Author Archives: Nicole Bradford

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Through the Eye of the Needle

In my day, up ’til it happened, I was letting things flow and happen and I was noticing all the ways I felt angry and  thought things were off and unfair and not working, and  how I had dreamed and efforted for them to be, and how it STILL wasn’t how I KNEW it could BE…noticing all the myriad of ways I was STILL not brave and STILL not succeeding.

And in a moment the fullness of it reached the edges of me and I completely gave up.

I gave up on trying. On life. On living. I had that clear thought…as true.

I started to move again, to make the picnic again. Something…nagged just a moment…and I was remembering Tessa’s story of rolling her car and how she had had the thought that morning that it would occur, and brushed it off and remembered as she rolled. It went okay for her, but still. I realized what it was that I had had. A death wish. That would come true. And I tried to unwish it…but I couldn’t.

My little girl was there and thoughts of my children stopped me last time I wanted to die. Thoughts of them being without a mother stopped my foot from accelerating my van in front of a semi a number of years ago. But this time I thought,”she’ll be okay…she is older now… like every other kid who’s lost a mother…she’ll have lots of intense experience …and it can serve her…if she lets it. It will be up to her.” I thought of my other children and knew their resilience…they have had a good teacher…and my mind did not change. I was still choosing death. Now. And my body started to tingle and burn. I sensed it shutting down. I was on track to die. Power off. I wondered if it would be my heart or my brain. I flashed on calling 911, being in hospital…but death was inevitable. I got scared …my body got scared and started to fight against the thoughts of pain, of the journey out. ..but that instantly seemed very silly…to fight my own ultimate wish to be done with this lifetime.

I have been training all my life to die at ease, to open and submit, should it come, so it may be all it can be. To BE at ease in the shifting of time and space and matter around me. To let go in the knowledge that the time has come. Yet here I was…giving up because I had not been able to fully live… before I’d fully lived.

I wanted to want to want to live. But I could only be real.

I went through to Burton.

Burton.

He knows things, he has been to the edges of his mind. He has admitted his truths. He has let go to his creative compulsions. He was here. Creating while waiting for the picnic.

I told him what was going on. “My body is not right. I had the thought I want to die and I can’t change it and my body is dying. I need to change it. I want to want to stay. I need help.”

He had room for it. He told me he wanted me to live. The truth of it was solid.

That was all. He sat and watched. I had slid down onto his lap, into his arms.  He held me. I cried, but just a little.. He said, “do you want to breathe with me?” Yes. And we did.

I was aware of the shifting…like a new program over-writing an old one. Not much difference, really, but it made all the difference.

My daughter came through.  I could see she was aware. She sat down on the floor, too. I SAW her. I so clearly saw her. So beautiful.

“Something big happened…it’s happened…you feel it…am I right?” Yes.

….

“How about our picnic, Mom?” Yes.

We finished preparing our picnic and we ate.

Everything is different.

I’ve chosen to live. I know to the edges of me that  it is my choice to live or die. I don’t know how it will look from now but my motivation is coming from a new place. I am sensing the world differently…just a little, but it makes all the difference. For now? I don’t… care what happens. I’m just here. We will see. My determination to do my part is strong but my sense if seeing how it will go has gone still. In this moment I only have a story to tell. As art. The Art of Living. The Art of Being.

I need only to tell you what you mean to me.

You who have eyes to see, ears to hear, space for it all.

You who discern but will not judge, you who get curious and find ways to be together rather than right and wrong-making.

You who create and build and love and let go of the limits around love…or intend to.

You who open and soften and deepen.

You who KNOW that this is a story of my most powerful qualities, who are not tricked into aversion, who may feel fear, but chose to attend to the love and goodness of it.

I am here with you.

For you.

I want you. To have YOU. To have ME.

Let us love, enjoy, build and create together.

Make lots of delicious mistakes…not wasting…just shining.

Yes. That is it.

This is it.

the burning YES…a way to be alive, committed, on fire

Lukewarm yeses lead to a need for burning nos. Burning yeses help make it so that our nos can be simple and kind….sweeeeet!

Most of us are brought up in a world where no and yes were used…as responses to our expressions of what we loved or did not love, wanted or did not want.

(Examples from my childhood:)

It’s bed time…noooo… YES.

Eat the rest of your dinner…noooo…YES.

I want to play outside!! NO, you need to clean your room.

I wanna be an actress!!! NO, that’s not a realistic career choice.

I LOVE THAT BOY!!! NO, you are too young to be thinking about boys.

I want to play with YOU! NO, we hate you.

No wonder yeses and nos built up so much charge.

 

Other times there was just…nothing. No input, not sounding board, no questions that helped us find out own answers. So then…? In my case, I stepped out cautiously and kept things safe.

How was it for you?

I’m going to hazard a guess that for most, if not all of us, pleasing became important, or avoiding displeasing (mom, dad, siblings, teachers, police etc)…so damping down our yeses and our nos became important.

(More examples from my life…and I know I’m a girl, but I hope you will relate:)

Write a poem. Um…ok…

Learn about China. Um…ok…

Clean the house and I will give you an allowance. Um…ok…

Want to be my boyfriend? Um…ok…

Want a beer? Um…ok….

Um…ok…until something BIG happened and suddenly….NOOOOOOO!

 

That ever happen to you? Yeah?

I think it has something to do with losing track of those burning YESes.

It was hardly ever, What do you WANT madly, deeply to learn about??

Where are you longing, DYING to go?

Which shirt do you love, Love, LOVE??

What food would you DROOL for right now?

Let alone hearing too seldom the response, “GO FOR IT!!” to our declarations of what we wanted… Let alone then hearing…“And here’s a few tips for you to set it up for the win…”

Many of us actually lost ACCESS to those burning yeses, those big knowings of FOR ME…they got lost in the MENU of life…”chose out of these available options: blah Blah BLAH.”

Yet in deep in each of us I think a dream of being true and real still burns (or you probably wouldn’t be here to read this, no?)…those ULTRA NOs that sometimes make their way out are the evidence. (Aka, “straws that break the camels’ back.”)

The cool thing is that the human brain has a knack for learning what IS wanted through experiences of what ISN’T wanted. That is as good a start as any, I think.

So, look! we have started :)

Let’s take the next step.

Dare to DREAM, my friends…why the fuck not, right?? Haven’t you waited long enough?

Let’s see a DREAMSTORM:

Tell me about the most epic day you can imagine.

 

Let me prompt you:

Where are you FUCKING STOKED to wake up?

With whom?

What are the epic pleasures of your morning?

How about the food?

Ritual?

What epic outfit are you rocking?

What epic tasks are you putting your precious moments/kilojoules of energy in to?

What ‘s the epic fun in which you participate?

How is dinner the BEST EVER?

How do you bring this Day of All Days to a close?

Watch that play out in your mind…feel the hot juicy goodness of it…if there are any parts that prompt another part of your mind to go, “yeah, right….” Take a look and ask it, “why not?” If it has a reasonable answer, say “Yeah, ok” And look deeper into what the “unrelaism” is, an move it TOWARD realism. Maybe you wanted to wake up with Scarlett Johansson. Unless you know her and she becomes available for a relationship with you, that might indeed be an unlikely aspiration (not that it really WAS, right?…It was dreaming…now we are translating into a dream-come-true possibility)…but translate it without losing the YES power…REAL women RIGHT HERE are always better anyways, right? But what would she need to BE to really make it epic: Totally into you. Impressive to you with these qualities: <<LIST>> Now you know better, now you are clearer.

 

Maybe the “Yeah, right” was around a dream car or house. Break that down, too…what are the REAL qualities that make the YES burn? What are the real possibilities that open up?

Get the jist?

Flesh it out into juicy yeses until that whole Day of All Days becomes more possible…all day long.

Something you can commit to, without it being a drag, because it is NOT lukewarm.

See what you can CELEBRATE right now. Maybe you have an epic job that works perfectly for you, or the car, or even that one pair of jeans. Own and feel the juice of that.

And if you have SHIT right now…COOL…lots of room for POTENTIAL.

Find the first good bite to take…make a project outline, or call up a Bro who will hear you out about some changes you want to be held accountable to making. Maybe the fire is hottest around busting out into a new social circle, or trying that thing you’ve been meaning to try.

This life is YOURS Cowboy. I want you to HAVE it.

Find your burning YESes. Let out those burning NO’s you’ve been so polite about…maybe it starts with pruning some things out of  your life.

Regroup. Dig in. Know you are WORTH IT. And that I am ROOTING FOR YOU.

 

Find this posted, give your feedback on Facebook? AWESOME!  Thank you:)

Emotional Mastery: what it IS and what it is NOT.

The word “mastery” is used in a variety of contexts and some of them do not fit with what I am forwarding as “mastery”, within the context of Emotional Mastery, but they do illuminate some of the most unhelpful misunderstandings about emotions rampant in our culture.

When “mastery” of any kind includes a lesser one, a servant, or has to do with control or manipulation for the one in power’s benefit, to the detriment of the one in less power…this is NOT the kind of Mastery of which I speak.

But often this is what IS done with emotions; they are used to gain power over others, to further agendas without regard for another/others…sometimes even without OWN self.

When emotions are corked, bypassed or denied, the self actively corking, bypassing or denying is the first to suffer (whether or not they are feeling it or aware at the time), and that suffering is passed on to those close; this is inevitable. Even when we exert effort because we wish NOT to pass on hurt, the effect is passed on in some way; as long as emotions are stuck, separation is perpetuated, and old patterns continue. States of low confidence, distance in relationship, dis-ease of all forms remains and worsens.

True Emotional Mastery, which I have been developing in my self, which I practice and share, is a new way of navigating with emotion, through awareness, responsibility, and the intention for none to become newly hurt. Stuck emotions from the past are opened to, cleared, allowed to have their time. Integration of what was separate occurs. Patterns thus change. This change is inevitable, once the emotions can move.

A beautiful analogy comes to mind: that of Martial Arts. A martial arts student may come to his (switch pronouns for female option) training with the intention of winning, having power over, without care about hurting others, seeing them as opponents…he may even come with a purpose to develop the power to hurt, dominate, kill.

But true Mastery in martial arts is about awareness, precision; the use of senses and skill to read the environment and move in time and space just so. The practitioner develops sensitivity, discernment,  strength and flexibility, and puts them to use with the intention of NO ONE becoming unduly hurt. As experience comes, it is used as material by which to gain wisdom, skill, perspective.

Mastery stemming from the self, for peace, harmony and progress which leave no one in a position of lesser power or value, but which promotes a world in which we all thrive, create and live according to our most vital terms, to a ripe ole age…is true Mastery.

This is what I mean when I talk about Emotional Mastery.

 

the yearning: to have each other. and a story.

I am all too familiar with the yearning.

The yearning to have someone; to have what a someone can provide: admiration, appreciation, feedback that I am on the right track, that I am beautiful, that I am making a significant difference.  That I am wanted, desired, desirable. That I am the most magnificent to HIM, the most dear to HER.

Most of my life I have stifled these yearnings. They were too much, embarrassing, shameful. They weren’t met, and that hurt. The hurt had no outlet most of the time. It built up and I lived a long time ‘around it.’

The yearnings got me in trouble. They got me pushed away when they got desperate. They got me pregnant when they were appealing.

But mostly, they got me against myself…when I stifled them.

More and more I am learning to just HAVE them. And be real about asking for them to be answered.

We all, at times, want to have HIM or HER.

HIM: the impressive provider, masterful, protector, powerful lover, bold adventurer.

HER: the delicious nurturer, beautiful inspiration, playful temptress, soft place to land.

What would we be if we HAD them?

In each other and IN OUR SELVES.

I think it would be epic. In fact I’ve bet my whole life on it; I’ve immersed myself in the work of freeing HIM and HER to HAVE EACH OTHER.

Within us, HE is might be identified as spirit, and SHE as nature…or the other way around. The Logical, linear, focused one; the creative, chaotic, wild one. The skeleton, the soft tissues.

 

Have you hear my story of Jelly Girl and Her Skeleton?

Once there was a Jelly Girl. She had become afraid of her Skeleton; he was hard, sharp, and he looked like DEATH to her. So she put him in a closet.

But it was hard to get stuff done without a skeleton. She was mostly a puddle on the floor, really, unless she tensed up REALLY tight. And that was fucking tiring.

But when she looked around at the other women, who had their skeletons still, the way they looked freaked her right out. They looked hard, sharp and deadly. She didn’t want to be those things.

So she did her best. Trouble was, her best sucked. She was so tense, and she couldn’t get much done at all.

One day she peeked into the closet where her Skeleton was. He was super eager, “do you want me? Can I help you? What do you need?”

But he looked so friggen hard and sharp and deadly, she got scared and shut the door on his nose, (which he didn’t really have. She had the nose. Well, the soft-tissued parts. It looked silly, truth be told, without the bony bridge to hold it up.)

Jelly Girl kept going, trying to get stuff done using her tension in lieu of her Skeleton. Pretty soon, she wanted to die. It was so hard. So painful. So she realized she’d got to the point where she had nothing to lose.

She went back to the closet. She told her Skeleton, “I am so fucking scared, but I am more scared to go on without at least trying. I hate being tense all the time, a puddle on the floor. But I am SO SCARED…that you will hurt me with all your points and hardness!”

“I don’t want to hurt you, my Girl; I just want to support you.”

And Jelly Girl started to cry so much that her tears filled the room. Skeleton, in his wisdom, didn’t try to stop her. He felt Something happening, he noticed.

Pretty soon Jelly Girl began to float in her own tears. Her arms and legs became discernible for the rest of her blobby mass and floated to their places. Her soft tissues became juicy. She began to open.

Skeleton, ever aware of the need to guard her sensitivity, lest she shut down and give up on letting him in, spoke softly in her ear, words of love, comfort and admiration. These words turned her tears of sadness into tears of joy and the room filled further.

And when everything was finally aligned, he carefully entered her.

She hadn’t expected it to feel so good and so ordinary at the same time.

He did, after all, belong here.

Her tension eased. Her body became erect, her limbs filled with hardness, now showed off their muscles and curves and form.

Emerging from the waters of her grief so long held, she looked at her self in the mirror.  She looked at THEM. They were beautiful together. Tall and poised, and OH THOSE COLLAR BONES!

Skeleton was his usual cool, solid self, but he had never been so satisfied. Jelly Girl’s juices brought new life to him. He points became less penetrating, he supported her like a pro. And she moved him. They danced. And it was the most fucking beautiful thing either of them had ever known. It is waaaay easier for a Jelly Girl dance when she has a Skeleton. And waaaay more beautiful for a Skeleton to dance when he has a Jelly Girl 😉

THE END

Notice some things…to integrate…Jelly Girl had to trust and allow for his hardness, she had to get juicy and open, by way of her emotions; she had to have every part of herself in alignment so as not to be hurt by her Skeleton.

And Skeleton, he had to be patient, hold strong space during the crying, accept and be careful of her sensitivities…he had to LISTEN to her cues, so that BOTH of them could have each other.

There is an epilogue: in order for Jelly Girl and her Skeleton to NOT become like those scary women she had encountered, she needed to listen to her Skeleton every day, his words of affection, admiration and appreciation and his carefulness kept her tension at bay. She needed to trust him to support her, rather than holding on to him with tension in an effort to control him. She also needed to keep juicy, and they did this by dancing a lot. And by eating whatever the fuck she wanted (and with his whisperings, she happened to want what would keep those bony angles showing).

I suppose there is a story about Jelly Boy and His Skeleton. Hm.

May we each HAVE each other. In fact…we do.

 

What can Valentine’s Day BE?

I’ve heard stories of how the idea of Valentine’s Day came about, how it became a thing, how it was further added to and became a more elaborate thing, and is by now a Big Date in our culture. Lots of people have lots of different stories of what it is and has been for them; some amazing, some unpleasant, some delightful, some painful.

 

When I look at how the idea of romantic relationship came about, I notice parallels to the Valentine’s Day development story. No wonder, hey?

 

So many of us have ideas about what romantic relationship is/should be, based on what it has been for us, what it’s been for others, all these comparisons and yearnings, hurts and thoughts….

 

I’ve tried to make my romances BE something, just like I’ve tried to make Valentine’s Day BE something…whether the timing included relating in a romance or not.

 

One year I even won some money when I bought a scratch and win ticket, on a whim that had an air of “if I can’t be taken out by a romantic partner, maybe I can win money to buy myself something to make this a fun day for me, despite being a single mom who hasn’t been romanced for ages!”

 

When I look underneath all my stories about romance, layered over by my ideas of spirituality, (some which have been debunked, or cleared away, or grown out of, or re-formed by additional experiences)…when I really look underneath, I see that all I have ever wanted is something real.

 

It’s easy to think that means something outside of me to relate with and to, someONE real, a REAL relationship.

 

Lately, I found a new level in this (that’s how it feels to me, getting through a layer to reveal a new depth)…that what I really want is to BE real.

 

What “real” looks like, I have opened to, is too many different things to be something to “go for.”

 

But what FEELS real, true, IN me…that is something I have given up having ideas about. (Heh, except for sometimes! Pesky ideas!)

 

I have, I’d like to think, learned some things about setting my self up to open to what is real. This learning curve is what “led me” to Dolphin and Susan, my partners in Evolve Now.

 

And this is what we are up to, bringing what we are bringing on Valentine’s Day…opening a space, giving an invitation to come, be real with us. And learn, have fun, be given to on all the levels!

I am pretty excited in anticipation of what this will open us to.

 

I want this for you…I can’t help it!

 

Here are links to the two Valentine’s Day events;

 

The Divine Romance, the workshop

Valentine’s Day for All: the party

to buy tickets for both (there is a deal for that), go here.

Practical Ascension

You may well have heard me say, when asked what I am about, “HEAVEN ON EARTH, BABY!!”

Lately it’s occurred to me that maybe it’s better said, “Earth in Heaven.”

Earth in Heaven???

EARTH in Heaven? Earth in HEAVEN?? Earth IN Heaven???

What the heck, right?!

 

Let me elaborate.

For so long, we have been putting our efforts into

“rising above it”     “getting over it”     “being above all that shit”     “overcoming”     “leaving it behind”

…we have been trying to get INTO Heaven…and away from Earth.

But what if we tried to bring Earth UP INTO Heaven…?

“BRING IT”     “take it to the next level”     “ascend”

What is the difference?

In the first way…I sense a loneliness, a focus on ones self…and a removal from the material, a separation of matter from what matters. Leaving Earth behind.

I see in the second, revised 😉 way…an inclusivity. An acceptance of matter, a way that is less prone to separating out of it, a way that includes other people who are more “dense” or “materialistic”…they need our care, too!

I’ve long sensed that some of the problems within the “problem” involve material being simply in the “wrong” place…or at least, not in the optimum place. What if Heaven on Earth was more a matter of redistribution…?

That certainly seems obvious when it comes to wealth… which is condensed within a small percent of humanity. It is not a problem of enough abundance, it is a problem of the distribution of the abundance we already have.

Maybe that’s what is going on in each of us…not that we don’t have what we need, but we have something in the way.

Maybe we don’t need to rise above it, maybe we need to redistribute it…and bring it to the next level from HERE.

Are you getting the distinctions? I hope and trust so.

What does this mean? How is it done?

“Go deeper”

How?

Look.

Awareness IS illumination. Where there is no attention, there can be no revelation.

We have long avoided looking into the murky depths. The popular Law of Attraction movement has us thinking that giving attention to what is “dark” will increase the darkness.

I had no choice…I had to look.

And it worked…differently that the LOA line I had been given. I now see the fear in it.

The darkness, fully seen, reveals treasures. information, knowledge;, there was something buried under that tension, that matter which was in the “wrong place”. My experience was that this inhibiting , interfering matter WENT somewhere. It poured out of me as tears, sounds, smells, movement. It needed me to bathe in Epsom salts, drink water to flush “it” out. I learned about de-calcification in the body.

It took bravery to let this occur; to become an active participant in clearing my “shit”. It took faith. It hurt like hell. (Just like it hurt going in, I think!)

But I didn’t stay there, because I stayed there. I stayed until I had witnessed it all, seen it, illuminated it, wakened it up. UP.

I found my self, again and again, in an empty space full of awareness. I like to live from this space.  I find it works magic.

I bring this with me now. This acceptance of pain, tension, hurting. As a necessary and vital exploration INTO it, rather than a bypassing of it.

And as I do this, I raise the vibration of the material in which I live. Redistributing the waste products, they go where they can be fertilizer.

Bringing Earth up to Heaven.

Practical ascension.

 

 

“Nothing Noteworthy”. NOT.

Nothing Noteworthy

 

I have a dear friend; we kissed as teenagers, found each other on Facebook as grown ups; I have great fondness and appreciation for him, and I deep desire to see him happy and in love.

 

He often texts me on Wednesday, “Happy Hump Day” and on Fridays, “Happy Friday” and we go back and forth a bit sharing little bits and pieces. He is rarely a flood of information; he saves longer stories for lunches together every month or so, I love those times with him.

 

Today, a Friday, it went like this:

 

“Happy Friday!”

 

“Thanks, D! It’s a big one for me, a big weekend; my event tonight then Sunday I am co-hosting a brunch and a Big Awakening Caffe. I hereby move to the next level in my work. Pretty exciting!”

 

“Go Girl”

 

“Thank you!

 

Happy Friday to you  :)  What’s been going on in your world?”

 

“Nothing noteworthy”

 

 

I stopped, on many levels.

 

“It’s you. It’s noteworthy”

 

I thought of all the men getting up in the city around me, showering, maybe not. Shaving, maybe not. Donning shirts and ties or Carhartts and t-shirts, or not… and heading out the door with their briefcase or not, their lunch box…or not.

 

Feeling that something noteworthy is going on in their world….or not.

 

Not a thing but the ideas they have all day long, the thoughts. Nothing but the feelings that stir deep down inside. Nothing but the dreams shoved to the back of their minds and held in place by doubts, fears, loneliness, shame, and this idea that no one out there would deem them noteworthy.

 

Please, my Brothers, be that person for your self, that person who takes note. I know it’s not easy. But perhaps take literal note, with a note pad and pen jot just a few words about what is of note in you. Be as brave as you can be.

 

Then…say it out loud, those things. Let the air hear, the Earth. And hear me say to you: You are noteworthy. These things matter. YOU matter.

 

It might feel very tight to do this. In fact, you might feel rather constipated. Gross, right, but you get it, do you not?

 

The shit hasn’t moved for a while…?

 

Maybe it’s shit. If so: better out than in, no!?

 

And maybe you’ve just been told it’s shit, these things inside you that are also better out than in.

 

In any case, shit is fertilizer; it has a vital place outside of you.

 

And those other things, those dreams, those thoughts, those ideas…try having them out, too, if not just to see what happens; as a new strategy, a shift.

 

And Sisters, I know this might be true for you, too, and I encourage you to express also.

 

And all of us. Let’s remind each other when we get the chance: it’s YOU. And YOU are noteworthy.

 

I am listening.

 

I am rooting for you Big Time.

 

Go Rock it.

A Letter to My siStars…

My men, my brothers, sons and godfathers, I wanted you to know I wrote this to my siStars on your behalf.

I heard they were frustrated in looking for you, not finding you.  I heard judgement and resentment that made my heart ache.

I am so sorry they misunderstand so much about you.

I am so sorry they hold back and harden up.

 

I will be working with more of them soon.

 

For you.

 

 

Dear Awakened and Awakening siStars,

 

I want you to know…I work with awakened and awakening men.

I get to see them unarmoured.

The men I work with are working so hard to being and ever more becoming the conscious men conscious women need.

They are struggling. They are sorting through eons worth of tangled beliefs, pains, fears, confusion, false beliefs…the dysfunctional patterning entrenched within them and our world.

In their efforts they have failed and failed again to be more what they need to be and they can barely stand it.

But they get up over and over to try again.

They tell me, when I gain their trust, how desperately they need soft places to land, eyes that see them and allow for all they are, ears that will listen til their own voices find what’s been buried deep inside.

They need voices that speak only when there is quiet to convey faith, admiration, appreciation and encouragement.

Some of them have found this in pure spirit. Some have a siStar or Mother who provides this.

We need not give of ourselves in ways that do not work for us.

But please let us consider how we might shine for the men who are, by their own admission (when they are safe to admit it) not perfectly ready to be exactly what we need …yet.

They want so much to be…they struggle to *get* what it takes, to change what must change to make it all work.

Our mixed messages and cold distances confuse and perplex them.

As I work with them I see how far I still have to go.

I see how much more clear and compassionate I can become, how much is yet unresolved within my own self.

We are in this frustration together.

I just wanted you to know…the men are working on it.

For you.

Conversation With a Man About Subtle Man Bashing

 

“Domestic violence wasn’t seen as a serious crime until the 1970s. So, did we, in the last 40 years, address the beliefs that cause domestic violence? No. But now if you beat your wife you’re usually considered to be a bad guy. So what do you do, with all the beliefs that would lead you to violence, if violence is no longer an acceptable option? You use manipulation, and you use gaslighting.”

Hi Nicole, the above is a quote from that gaslighting article. The author uses the words “domestic violence” twice to start off which is neutral as domestic violence is not gender specific . But then she says “but now if you beat your wife” which gives off the impression to anyone reading that domestic violence never happens the other way around. In other words, seeing the world through a “men as perpetrator/ women as victims” lens.

It gives off the impression that most men in the past controlled their wives through violence and only after it was taken more seriously that they were forced to use other means like gaslighting. As if the average man believed that violence against their loved ones was an acceptable thing to do. It’s pretty clear to me she believes in patriarchy theory and has been influenced by feminism as they have been perpetuating these myths forever!

Thank you for allowing me to share. Again I want to say a big thank you for all the work you have been doing and the love and support you show to everyone including men! I’m sure you have noticed that it can be hard for men to stand up for themselves and speak out regarding women as they often end up being accused of misogyny. This is why it is nice to see a lot of women starting to speak up for men and boys who are struggling in this world because they can’t just be dismissed as “woman haters.”

 

I wrote back:

 

I so appreciate when people go under the layers of what looks obvious to find what else is there.

 

I am SO with you on “As if the average man believed that violence against their loved ones was an acceptable thing to do.” I agree that men, in general, want to treat their loved ones as the gold they know they are…and I think that when they don’t, their actions stem from a tangled, complex, multi-layered understory. I think that deep down, they are innocent…just like the women that get hit, the kids that cry, the other men that get hurt….We are all innocent. We are all blameless. And we are all responsible.

 

I think that pressure on men is underrated. They hold up so well. They keep on keeping on. As a “rule” they are “good” at taking care of their basic needs: they eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired…and this sometimes makes them look “selfish”. (Especially to women, who tend to take care of others first, and put off eating, sleeping, til they are famished or exhausted). Men focus on their work, and then get blamed for ignoring everything else. But they DO their work for “everyone else”…and do not get much thanks.

 

All the examples in that paragraph above are about our “lower” selves…our instincts and default ways of being.

 

They do not directly* serve the soul, they do not serve partnership, they do not serve Heaven on Earth. And they do not serve men.

 

But somehow our culture has got the idea that men are “better off”. I don’t agree. I don’t think ANYONE is better off. For every statistic…say, using your example…domestic abuse…yes, the numbers show that more men hit women. AND…more men commit suicide. Many women get cancer of the reproductive organs…and many men get heart disease and strokes.

 

The game of “who is worse off” is a compelling one, because there are SO MANY LOSERS everywhere…I mean so many tragic examples of people who got a shitty deal.

 

But I think it is men who most often “lose” the “who wins at losing” game…because: “privilege”. But no one talks as much about how men are disadvantaged.

 

And guess what, I don’t want to talk about it either…really…we could talk all day, arguing either side.

 

I want to see it change. And I want to help change it.

 

I want men to be and feel seen, heard, understood, cared about, helped, admired, thanked and celebrated.

 

I want to see everyone being regarded with respect and love…I just happen to be the kind of girl who especially want this for men. There are tons of other people out there who want it for women, animals, even aliens. And I say GO FOR IT!!

 

And I turn to men.

 

I want to know their stories, their traumas, their secrets. I want to know, so I can shine light and love in those dark corners and help them remember who they REALLY are. And I want to watch them energize, power up, get down to doing all the things they have a passion for…and find their own special something that only they have…and put it to work in the world. For everyone’s sake.

 

I think every man has the raw material to be a hero. I want to help him find, empower and LIVE that hero’s way. To epic proportions.

 

Why not, I think…WHY NOT.

 

 

*directly*…heh, this is interesting…I think our instincts, our lower selves indirectly serve the soul. We live according to these lower impulses…and they get us into situations where…we suffer! That suffering…eventually, when we have finally had enough…gives us the motivation to CHANGE. Thus, indirectly, our soul comes to be served… and partnership becomes possible…Heaven on Earth becomes possible.

 

Another footnote. You wrote, “This is why it is nice to see a lot of women starting to speak up for men and boys who are struggling in this world because they can’t just be dismissed as “woman haters.””

Sadly, women who stand up for men can and are accused of hating women. Of being gender over-emphasising, of being “behind the times”. So your support of MY support is precious to me, too. We are, I think, truly all in this together. I do all I can to love and understand and have compassion for haters. I would hate to be one.

 

 

the rise of the divine man

As women are called forth to heal, learn, rise, so, too are men.

Yet there are far less resources on bookshelves and in training centres for men.  It’s a little like shopping for clothes, right?!

It is an honour and a joy to find myself in service to men.

Why men?  Because I love men.  Their focus, their drive, their strategizing; their honour, strength and precise minds.  I love how they adventure and compete, how they team up and get shit done.

I’ve never been one to join the ranks of women who work like men. I honestly prefer to support from behind the scenes, or inspire from the stage or spotlight.

I have a passion for setting up men to win, especially to win with women; at home, at work and everywhere.  For people to win with each other, beyond gender, in fact, which I think is the next wave of exciting learning just swelling.  But first, we need to understand masculine men and feminine women a bit better; to provide the contrast that will help us when we get into the grey areas.

Today’s men watch women perform, sometimes, without knowing how they fit in.  Doors held open or not? Offer to carry that heavy box or not? Pay for dinner or not?

You have watched women get harder, higher, more powerful…but maybe you have a feeling that something is being left behind? Lost?

I hope you do.  Indeed if you do, I may be here for YOU.

As boys, many of you went without a very mothering mother.  Perhaps she was at work, or maybe at school so she could get work…?  And maybe you went without a very fathersome father. Perhaps he was even fearsome.

Divorce rates were on the rise, and family life got a little (to a lot) complicated over these last couple decades.  Consumerism, coupled with the shifting of “community living,” meant… more scheduled games and less pick-up, more play dates and less calling on friends, more video games and less kick the can, less passing notes and more…dick pics.

Then, adulthood. From what I have heard from men, the pressure to look like you have “it” all together is great, and to look like you are on top of “it” is as great as for women.  But many of you are thinking, “what the fuck is it to BE a man?” and “how the hell….?!”

I can’t pretend I know what, or how.  I am, after all, a woman.  But something I do know is…it is IN YOU. And I, from what I have seen and heard from men, can help you bring it out.  I’m not all that clear how I do that.  Some men tell me it’s that I am feminine, and smart.  Some speak of authenticity, safety, space to be. Some have no idea, and no words.

What I know beyond any shadow of doubt is that the women and children of the world need YOU, men, to rise.  To evolve, to awaken, and to be powerful…in ways that work.  We need you as partners, as brothers and lovers, to build, with us, for us, a new world. Some of us get it, some of us don’t, but ALL of us need what YOU have to PROVIDE.

Let’s learn together, grow, heal, expand.

It will be awesome.