In my day, up ’til it happened, I was letting things flow and happen and I was noticing all the ways I felt angry and thought things were off and unfair and not working, and how I had dreamed and efforted for them to be, and how it STILL wasn’t how I KNEW it could BE…noticing all the myriad of ways I was STILL not brave and STILL not succeeding.
And in a moment the fullness of it reached the edges of me and I completely gave up.
I gave up on trying. On life. On living. I had that clear thought…as true.
I started to move again, to make the picnic again. Something…nagged just a moment…and I was remembering Tessa’s story of rolling her car and how she had had the thought that morning that it would occur, and brushed it off and remembered as she rolled. It went okay for her, but still. I realized what it was that I had had. A death wish. That would come true. And I tried to unwish it…but I couldn’t.
My little girl was there and thoughts of my children stopped me last time I wanted to die. Thoughts of them being without a mother stopped my foot from accelerating my van in front of a semi a number of years ago. But this time I thought,”she’ll be okay…she is older now… like every other kid who’s lost a mother…she’ll have lots of intense experience …and it can serve her…if she lets it. It will be up to her.” I thought of my other children and knew their resilience…they have had a good teacher…and my mind did not change. I was still choosing death. Now. And my body started to tingle and burn. I sensed it shutting down. I was on track to die. Power off. I wondered if it would be my heart or my brain. I flashed on calling 911, being in hospital…but death was inevitable. I got scared …my body got scared and started to fight against the thoughts of pain, of the journey out. ..but that instantly seemed very silly…to fight my own ultimate wish to be done with this lifetime.
I have been training all my life to die at ease, to open and submit, should it come, so it may be all it can be. To BE at ease in the shifting of time and space and matter around me. To let go in the knowledge that the time has come. Yet here I was…giving up because I had not been able to fully live… before I’d fully lived.
I wanted to want to want to live. But I could only be real.
I went through to Burton.
He knows things, he has been to the edges of his mind. He has admitted his truths. He has let go to his creative compulsions. He was here. Creating while waiting for the picnic.
I told him what was going on. “My body is not right. I had the thought I want to die and I can’t change it and my body is dying. I need to change it. I want to want to stay. I need help.”
He had room for it. He told me he wanted me to live. The truth of it was solid.
That was all. He sat and watched. I had slid down onto his lap, into his arms. He held me. I cried, but just a little.. He said, “do you want to breathe with me?” Yes. And we did.
I was aware of the shifting…like a new program over-writing an old one. Not much difference, really, but it made all the difference.
My daughter came through. I could see she was aware. She sat down on the floor, too. I SAW her. I so clearly saw her. So beautiful.
“Something big happened…it’s happened…you feel it…am I right?” Yes.
“How about our picnic, Mom?” Yes.
We finished preparing our picnic and we ate.
Everything is different.
I’ve chosen to live. I know to the edges of me that it is my choice to live or die. I don’t know how it will look from now but my motivation is coming from a new place. I am sensing the world differently…just a little, but it makes all the difference. For now? I don’t… care what happens. I’m just here. We will see. My determination to do my part is strong but my sense if seeing how it will go has gone still. In this moment I only have a story to tell. As art. The Art of Living. The Art of Being.
I need only to tell you what you mean to me.
You who have eyes to see, ears to hear, space for it all.
You who discern but will not judge, you who get curious and find ways to be together rather than right and wrong-making.
You who create and build and love and let go of the limits around love…or intend to.
You who open and soften and deepen.
You who KNOW that this is a story of my most powerful qualities, who are not tricked into aversion, who may feel fear, but chose to attend to the love and goodness of it.
I am here with you.
I want you. To have YOU. To have ME.
Let us love, enjoy, build and create together.
Make lots of delicious mistakes…not wasting…just shining.
Yes. That is it.
This is it.