Tag Archives: holding space

A Letter to My siStars…

My men, my brothers, sons and godfathers, I wanted you to know I wrote this to my siStars on your behalf.

I heard they were frustrated in looking for you, not finding you.  I heard judgement and resentment that made my heart ache.

I am so sorry they misunderstand so much about you.

I am so sorry they hold back and harden up.

 

I will be working with more of them soon.

 

For you.

 

 

Dear Awakened and Awakening siStars,

 

I want you to know…I work with awakened and awakening men.

I get to see them unarmoured.

The men I work with are working so hard to being and ever more becoming the conscious men conscious women need.

They are struggling. They are sorting through eons worth of tangled beliefs, pains, fears, confusion, false beliefs…the dysfunctional patterning entrenched within them and our world.

In their efforts they have failed and failed again to be more what they need to be and they can barely stand it.

But they get up over and over to try again.

They tell me, when I gain their trust, how desperately they need soft places to land, eyes that see them and allow for all they are, ears that will listen til their own voices find what’s been buried deep inside.

They need voices that speak only when there is quiet to convey faith, admiration, appreciation and encouragement.

Some of them have found this in pure spirit. Some have a siStar or Mother who provides this.

We need not give of ourselves in ways that do not work for us.

But please let us consider how we might shine for the men who are, by their own admission (when they are safe to admit it) not perfectly ready to be exactly what we need …yet.

They want so much to be…they struggle to *get* what it takes, to change what must change to make it all work.

Our mixed messages and cold distances confuse and perplex them.

As I work with them I see how far I still have to go.

I see how much more clear and compassionate I can become, how much is yet unresolved within my own self.

We are in this frustration together.

I just wanted you to know…the men are working on it.

For you.

the rise of the divine man

As women are called forth to heal, learn, rise, so, too are men.

Yet there are far less resources on bookshelves and in training centres for men.  It’s a little like shopping for clothes, right?!

It is an honour and a joy to find myself in service to men.

Why men?  Because I love men.  Their focus, their drive, their strategizing; their honour, strength and precise minds.  I love how they adventure and compete, how they team up and get shit done.

I’ve never been one to join the ranks of women who work like men. I honestly prefer to support from behind the scenes, or inspire from the stage or spotlight.

I have a passion for setting up men to win, especially to win with women; at home, at work and everywhere.  For people to win with each other, beyond gender, in fact, which I think is the next wave of exciting learning just swelling.  But first, we need to understand masculine men and feminine women a bit better; to provide the contrast that will help us when we get into the grey areas.

Today’s men watch women perform, sometimes, without knowing how they fit in.  Doors held open or not? Offer to carry that heavy box or not? Pay for dinner or not?

You have watched women get harder, higher, more powerful…but maybe you have a feeling that something is being left behind? Lost?

I hope you do.  Indeed if you do, I may be here for YOU.

As boys, many of you went without a very mothering mother.  Perhaps she was at work, or maybe at school so she could get work…?  And maybe you went without a very fathersome father. Perhaps he was even fearsome.

Divorce rates were on the rise, and family life got a little (to a lot) complicated over these last couple decades.  Consumerism, coupled with the shifting of “community living,” meant… more scheduled games and less pick-up, more play dates and less calling on friends, more video games and less kick the can, less passing notes and more…dick pics.

Then, adulthood. From what I have heard from men, the pressure to look like you have “it” all together is great, and to look like you are on top of “it” is as great as for women.  But many of you are thinking, “what the fuck is it to BE a man?” and “how the hell….?!”

I can’t pretend I know what, or how.  I am, after all, a woman.  But something I do know is…it is IN YOU. And I, from what I have seen and heard from men, can help you bring it out.  I’m not all that clear how I do that.  Some men tell me it’s that I am feminine, and smart.  Some speak of authenticity, safety, space to be. Some have no idea, and no words.

What I know beyond any shadow of doubt is that the women and children of the world need YOU, men, to rise.  To evolve, to awaken, and to be powerful…in ways that work.  We need you as partners, as brothers and lovers, to build, with us, for us, a new world. Some of us get it, some of us don’t, but ALL of us need what YOU have to PROVIDE.

Let’s learn together, grow, heal, expand.

It will be awesome.

everyone cares

it’s pretty cool what happens when i open my heart/voice/mind to someone who has faced the shit i’m facing, who is as sensitive as i, who has time for me, and the love and bravery to say what’s true for her.

here’s to you, ivan marko.

in conversing with ivan, she hit this beautiful chord of words:  everyone cares, really, deep down.

 

i’d lost sight of that.

because “everyone” also misunderstands, jumps to conclusions, is scared to ask hard questions, worries what people think of them, doesn’t want to be taken for a ride, errs on the side of caution, prefers to play it safe, judges before the evidence is all in, forgets to give credit where credit is due, fails to notice the truth, takes the easy way out, pretends to be strong when they are sad, blames multiple someone elses for their unhappiness, is waiting for the world to change, forgets how to feel hard feelings and think hard thoughts, is a sucker for love, wants to protect their image, worries that being generous wont pay, is embarrassed when they fuck up, gets jealous of others sometimes, forgets to tell others they care, uses careless language that leaves room for misunderstanding, assumes the worst of others, defers to others opinions, worries about rejection, thinks crying means you are weak, judges anger, is wary of power of any kind, has growing pains, and forgets who they really are…

…sometimes.

 

and all this hurts.  every time it happens. at least a tiny little bit.

and sometimes a whole paralyzing lot, especially if it’s another hurt piled on a pile of other hurts.

 

i have been hurt, and hurt and hurt some more.

and as a sensitive thing, i have been hurt when no one meant to hurt me, and then hurt again for hurting.

 

but everyone cares.  even when they don’t look like they do.  even when they don’t talk like they do. even when they don’t act like they do. and perhaps…even when they don’t think that they do.  and even when they think they don’t want to.

no one means to hurt, really.  when they do it, they think it is their only choice.

 

 

no one meant to hurt me.

too few people can accept that feeling hurt happens when you get hurt.  it just does.

it happens, and when it does, it lasts until it stops.  you can’t pretend it’s gone when it’s not.  you can’t make it go away before it goes away.  and when it’s gone, there is no need to pretend, not even an inclination.  and only the one who was hurting can tell.

 

all of us who care, let’s spread this truth:  healing happens when hurting has run it’s course.  hurting when you have been hurt is ok.  once it’s happened, it’s done. and…if we stick around (giving space, perhaps, but not too much)…it will pass.  and…

…it will become obvious…

that everyone cares, really, deep down.

 

 

Today I Met a King

I have found a way to love, Love, LOVE Stampede here in Calgary, AB.

Free Hugs.  Giving them on street corners on Stampede Saturdays.

That’s what I did today.  I was the last hugger standing.  I was in for something amazing.

The last man I hugged was covered in drywall plaster, a drunk – but not belligerent – French Canadian.  He was hungry for hugs.

He had one, and a few moments later, asked for another.  I gave it with grace. He asked again … and again.  I moved on.  He sat down for a bit, shaking his head and looking touched.

After watching me a while, he came over to me again, when there was a lull in the hug takers.  He thanked me for doing what I was doing.  He said it did him good.  I said, “you are welcome.”  And took a good look at his eyes.  He took a sudden breath in and put his hand on his heart.

“It hurts?”  I asked. He nodded.

And opened his arms for another hug.  Given.

“I work so hard he said.  And then I drink too much.”

“I’m so glad.” I said “… that you know this”.

He paused.  Held out his hand as if for a handshake.  I took it.  He lifted my hand and kissed it.  I thanked him.  He breathed in sharp again.

He looked at me.  I smiled at him.

“I’m a good man,” he told me.

“I know.” I said.  “You are a king”.

He breathed in very hard this time and tears started to run down his cheeks.  “My name, he said, “is Nolan.  Nolan King.  How did you know?”

“I had no idea.” I said.  “What your name was.”

He opened his arms and I hugged him again, more like a mother hugs a child.  He sobbed.

A while ago I could not have stood there with a sobbing, slightly drunk man in my arms on a busy street.

I am so glad that today, I could.

When he was done, he stepped back and looked at me.  “Your eyes are like an angels,” he said.

“Wow.”  I said. “What a wonderful compliment…THANK YOU!”

He shook his head.  “You are thanking ME?”

“Yes.” I said, and, because I was, “I am so glad I met you.”

His hand on his heart again, he said, “my heart feels so sparkly.”

“I’m glad.” I said.  “Take care of it, okay.  Get your crown back on your head, okay?  Stand tall.  You are a King … and your people need you.”

He cried some more.  We hugged some more.  Time was standing still.

I felt something shift.

“I’m going to go now,” I told him.  He nodded and we hugged one more time.  “Merci,” he whispered.  “Bienvenue,” I whispered. “A dieu.”

And I let go, and walked.  Free hugging was done.  I wondered at it.

Knowing I could not have done it a while ago.

Because a while ago I carried too much hurt my self.  A while ago I might have been too self conscious about what others think of me to have stayed the course. A while ago I might have taken pride for hugging a soul in need.  And that kind of pride would have changed things.

I am so glad I could do it.  So glad.  He needed it so much.  I trust he shed some sadness for good…I saw it running down his weathered cheeks.

I trust he will never have to shed those same tears again.  I realize there are likely more tears under that layer…and I hope, I pray, I insist … that he will find someone to bear witness to them, when the time comes.

I am not anyone special. I think we can all do – for each other – what I had the chance to do for Nolan King.  If we have shed enough of our own hurt, the love, compassion, intuitive knowing – of what a person needs – is there, underneath, and we are happy, so happy, to let it flow.

Sometimes I need someone to do this for me … hold space, reflect my self back to me … “It hurts coming out, doesn’t it? … I see your goodness … I see your divinity”.

And the tears course down my cheeks.  Opening the way for my goodness, my divinity, to shine forth for the sake of others.

Peace be with you Nolan King.

Peace be with you King Nolan.

Happy Stampede.

 

Embodying the Divine

It is authentic of me to embody the feminine aspects of the divine, primarily.  This does not mean I do not embody masculine divinity…in fact, I am very aware of the call to embody masculine qualities more fully in my life and being.

 

What do I mean by this?

 

I began a more conscious exploration of the masculine/feminine dichotomy after experiencing awful imbalance and excruciating hurt in my relationship with the man whom I had vowed to love unconditionally and to help toward self realization.  It was not working between us.

 

Why?  I asked my self.  What was I believing/thinking/doing…to contribute to this unworkability?

 

I asked for the help I needed, and the Universe provided me access to the teaching of Allison Armstrong, through her organization, PAX.

 

Through these courses I gained a more clear understanding of the masculine as the energy behind providing, protecting and procreating; and the feminine as the receptive space for the masculine’s offerings.

 

I realize more fully now that my beauty, receptivity, sensitivity and my authentic, compassionate self expression are the primary ways of being which call forth the divine masculine in my life.

 

This clearly manifests in my relationships with men and boys.

I learned that I must hold my feminine space powerfully, and ABOVE ALL, I must trust and appreciate the men in my life as they embody masculine power…strong, focussed, logical, problem-solving energy which, if I am not aware, can feel scary to me.

I learned that as a woman, I embody feminine ways, and I have a natural tendency to assume that males think like I do…but I am very often wrong.  Since the masculine is about logical, problem solving…there are many ways in which men (and sometimes women who are in masculine mode)…SEEM to be doing and saying things that, if they were women, would be hurtful.

 

An example of this?

A huge issue with the man to whom I was avowed was how he helped me when I was upset.  As a problem solver, he wanted to get to the root of why I was upset, and fix it.  He asked questions and gave his perspective on what was wrong.

 

As a women, I heard and saw him in these cases as a “hairy man” (as Allison likes to say).  My perspective was that if I was listening to another woman who was upset, I would understand that she needed to be heard, to have her feelings and thoughts validated and repeated back to her so she could hear them better herself.  I understood that if I problem solved, it would sound to her as if I thought she was weak or stupid, and not capable of figuring things out for herself.

 

Since I understood this so clearly, and assumed he knew this too, I sincerely thought he was choosing to go against “his” understanding, and intentionally hurt me…he was not just a hairy man, but he was willingly “misbehaving”.

 

It hurt so much!  I would lash out and the issues I was upset about receded into the background and the arguments began about how he didn’t care and couldn’t possibly mean it when he said he loved me.  And there were many other examples.

 

But it was a simple misunderstanding, on both our parts.

 

If he had known, I trust he would have wanted to learn how to respond differently.  He was a good man.

 

A masculine man, wanting to help.

 

PAX gave me tools to communicate differently with men, to take into account their nature, to understand and allow for them to be masculine…to be MEN.

 

Learning this didn’t mean that my avowed and I stayed together.  We parted ways, and how I understand this is touched on in my piece about juxtaposition.

 

As this learning process unfolds, I am also discovering the masculine part of my self, the part that wants to protect and provide for my feminine essence, and co-create, with “her” for the mutual benefit of all.

 

I need this masculine side.  I need to think logically and to focus and problem solve, to come up with answers, to analyze and find new ways of working.  Without this support, my feminine side is mush, and ineffective.

 

Within myself and between me and the men in my life, the potential for creative partnership has become THE THING I am most excited about.

 

As I shine my light, my talents, my beauty, my divine feminine presence…it activates the masculine aspects of men and women, inspiring higher forms of problem solving, more beneficial and true forms of providing and more pure ways of creating.  As I value my femininity more deeply, I provide and protect myself more clearly.

 

When we, equipped with language and tools that cultivate partnership, dance the dance of embodied Divinity, we create Heaven on Earth.

 

I invite you to consider how you embody Divinity.  Does it feel more authentic when the masculine or the feminine is in the fore?  Do you have judgements as to the qualities of one or the other?  Where might there be room for deeper understanding?  How might you shift to allow for more full and co-operative partnership between your self and those who physically embody the other gender?  What hurt might you need to clear in order to do so?

 

Here is a link to Alison Armstrong/PAX.

 

Please email me at nicolebradford110@gmail.com if you feel you need to be provided with information or inspiration to help you on your upward spiralling path to unity.

 

 

 

Right Juxtaposition

We are one. But we are not the same. We are each a unique expression of a specific part of the whole. The whole is everything.

When we are each in our right place, the whole works; it is incredibly beautiful, it feels incredibly right.

We are each, I observe, driven to find our place, relative to each other, relative to each part.

In our place, we are each the sovereign.

Our place is our jurisdiction; this is where we are to exercise our Free Will.

We are each in our body; the first increment of our space.

Though some, I have been given to understand, feel their body is not an accurate manifestation of their place. Its gender is not theirs. I can only imagine what angst this might cause, I who have felt at home in my body.

My body can be a very loud indicator as to whether I was living in my space…or not. If I am not noticing my body, the whole reflects my accuracy or lack thereof. The messages come in such a variety of ways, becoming louder and louder in order to catch my attention.

We are each born into a family. This may or may not at first inspection appear to be an accurate manifestation of our place.

But if it is not, could it be that it is thus designed to help us better determine our right juxtaposition?

What qualities, working together, are manifestations of our right partners?

What part of the world resonates as right?

What foods? What activities?

What forms of movement, modes of expression, style of attire…suit our sovereign self?

This life seems to me to be a process of ever deeper self discovery, in order to know who we are, in order to discover where we fit, in right juxtaposition to one another.

This adventure, insofar as romantic partnership is concerned, speaks especially loud and clear me, and I notice how many others are focused on this.

How sensible this is!

If we are to know ourselves, and properly ascertain that another is a suitable partner for us, how much more clear this will make things and how much easier it will become to evaluate our place-markers, based on two points of reference!

And when we choose a partner, and live thus for a while, what does NOT suit becomes so clear, and our minds turn so naturally to what might be better. And if we free ourselves (and them) to further evolve and explore…what a service we provide!

For when I take steps toward my true place, I help make it more clear to others where their true place might be, relative to me, to mine.

We recognize, I believe, the truth of a place by how it feels to us. In degrees of freedom we find our way. As clarity unfolds, what felt free might shift as we move through the layers of being, to sense the resonance with our core.

It is my highest service to my self and to others, to the collective whole (which I might call God), to find myself, to determine my place; to hold my space clearly in regard to others, and to allow and invite others to do the same.