Tag Archives: winning/losing>win/win

Emotional Mastery: what it IS and what it is NOT.

The word “mastery” is used in a variety of contexts and some of them do not fit with what I am forwarding as “mastery”, within the context of Emotional Mastery, but they do illuminate some of the most unhelpful misunderstandings about emotions rampant in our culture.

When “mastery” of any kind includes a lesser one, a servant, or has to do with control or manipulation for the one in power’s benefit, to the detriment of the one in less power…this is NOT the kind of Mastery of which I speak.

But often this is what IS done with emotions; they are used to gain power over others, to further agendas without regard for another/others…sometimes even without OWN self.

When emotions are corked, bypassed or denied, the self actively corking, bypassing or denying is the first to suffer (whether or not they are feeling it or aware at the time), and that suffering is passed on to those close; this is inevitable. Even when we exert effort because we wish NOT to pass on hurt, the effect is passed on in some way; as long as emotions are stuck, separation is perpetuated, and old patterns continue. States of low confidence, distance in relationship, dis-ease of all forms remains and worsens.

True Emotional Mastery, which I have been developing in my self, which I practice and share, is a new way of navigating with emotion, through awareness, responsibility, and the intention for none to become newly hurt. Stuck emotions from the past are opened to, cleared, allowed to have their time. Integration of what was separate occurs. Patterns thus change. This change is inevitable, once the emotions can move.

A beautiful analogy comes to mind: that of Martial Arts. A martial arts student may come to his (switch pronouns for female option) training with the intention of winning, having power over, without care about hurting others, seeing them as opponents…he may even come with a purpose to develop the power to hurt, dominate, kill.

But true Mastery in martial arts is about awareness, precision; the use of senses and skill to read the environment and move in time and space just so. The practitioner develops sensitivity, discernment,  strength and flexibility, and puts them to use with the intention of NO ONE becoming unduly hurt. As experience comes, it is used as material by which to gain wisdom, skill, perspective.

Mastery stemming from the self, for peace, harmony and progress which leave no one in a position of lesser power or value, but which promotes a world in which we all thrive, create and live according to our most vital terms, to a ripe ole age…is true Mastery.

This is what I mean when I talk about Emotional Mastery.

 

Conversation With a Man About Subtle Man Bashing

 

“Domestic violence wasn’t seen as a serious crime until the 1970s. So, did we, in the last 40 years, address the beliefs that cause domestic violence? No. But now if you beat your wife you’re usually considered to be a bad guy. So what do you do, with all the beliefs that would lead you to violence, if violence is no longer an acceptable option? You use manipulation, and you use gaslighting.”

Hi Nicole, the above is a quote from that gaslighting article. The author uses the words “domestic violence” twice to start off which is neutral as domestic violence is not gender specific . But then she says “but now if you beat your wife” which gives off the impression to anyone reading that domestic violence never happens the other way around. In other words, seeing the world through a “men as perpetrator/ women as victims” lens.

It gives off the impression that most men in the past controlled their wives through violence and only after it was taken more seriously that they were forced to use other means like gaslighting. As if the average man believed that violence against their loved ones was an acceptable thing to do. It’s pretty clear to me she believes in patriarchy theory and has been influenced by feminism as they have been perpetuating these myths forever!

Thank you for allowing me to share. Again I want to say a big thank you for all the work you have been doing and the love and support you show to everyone including men! I’m sure you have noticed that it can be hard for men to stand up for themselves and speak out regarding women as they often end up being accused of misogyny. This is why it is nice to see a lot of women starting to speak up for men and boys who are struggling in this world because they can’t just be dismissed as “woman haters.”

 

I wrote back:

 

I so appreciate when people go under the layers of what looks obvious to find what else is there.

 

I am SO with you on “As if the average man believed that violence against their loved ones was an acceptable thing to do.” I agree that men, in general, want to treat their loved ones as the gold they know they are…and I think that when they don’t, their actions stem from a tangled, complex, multi-layered understory. I think that deep down, they are innocent…just like the women that get hit, the kids that cry, the other men that get hurt….We are all innocent. We are all blameless. And we are all responsible.

 

I think that pressure on men is underrated. They hold up so well. They keep on keeping on. As a “rule” they are “good” at taking care of their basic needs: they eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired…and this sometimes makes them look “selfish”. (Especially to women, who tend to take care of others first, and put off eating, sleeping, til they are famished or exhausted). Men focus on their work, and then get blamed for ignoring everything else. But they DO their work for “everyone else”…and do not get much thanks.

 

All the examples in that paragraph above are about our “lower” selves…our instincts and default ways of being.

 

They do not directly* serve the soul, they do not serve partnership, they do not serve Heaven on Earth. And they do not serve men.

 

But somehow our culture has got the idea that men are “better off”. I don’t agree. I don’t think ANYONE is better off. For every statistic…say, using your example…domestic abuse…yes, the numbers show that more men hit women. AND…more men commit suicide. Many women get cancer of the reproductive organs…and many men get heart disease and strokes.

 

The game of “who is worse off” is a compelling one, because there are SO MANY LOSERS everywhere…I mean so many tragic examples of people who got a shitty deal.

 

But I think it is men who most often “lose” the “who wins at losing” game…because: “privilege”. But no one talks as much about how men are disadvantaged.

 

And guess what, I don’t want to talk about it either…really…we could talk all day, arguing either side.

 

I want to see it change. And I want to help change it.

 

I want men to be and feel seen, heard, understood, cared about, helped, admired, thanked and celebrated.

 

I want to see everyone being regarded with respect and love…I just happen to be the kind of girl who especially want this for men. There are tons of other people out there who want it for women, animals, even aliens. And I say GO FOR IT!!

 

And I turn to men.

 

I want to know their stories, their traumas, their secrets. I want to know, so I can shine light and love in those dark corners and help them remember who they REALLY are. And I want to watch them energize, power up, get down to doing all the things they have a passion for…and find their own special something that only they have…and put it to work in the world. For everyone’s sake.

 

I think every man has the raw material to be a hero. I want to help him find, empower and LIVE that hero’s way. To epic proportions.

 

Why not, I think…WHY NOT.

 

 

*directly*…heh, this is interesting…I think our instincts, our lower selves indirectly serve the soul. We live according to these lower impulses…and they get us into situations where…we suffer! That suffering…eventually, when we have finally had enough…gives us the motivation to CHANGE. Thus, indirectly, our soul comes to be served… and partnership becomes possible…Heaven on Earth becomes possible.

 

Another footnote. You wrote, “This is why it is nice to see a lot of women starting to speak up for men and boys who are struggling in this world because they can’t just be dismissed as “woman haters.””

Sadly, women who stand up for men can and are accused of hating women. Of being gender over-emphasising, of being “behind the times”. So your support of MY support is precious to me, too. We are, I think, truly all in this together. I do all I can to love and understand and have compassion for haters. I would hate to be one.

 

 

the rise of the divine man

As women are called forth to heal, learn, rise, so, too are men.

Yet there are far less resources on bookshelves and in training centres for men.  It’s a little like shopping for clothes, right?!

It is an honour and a joy to find myself in service to men.

Why men?  Because I love men.  Their focus, their drive, their strategizing; their honour, strength and precise minds.  I love how they adventure and compete, how they team up and get shit done.

I’ve never been one to join the ranks of women who work like men. I honestly prefer to support from behind the scenes, or inspire from the stage or spotlight.

I have a passion for setting up men to win, especially to win with women; at home, at work and everywhere.  For people to win with each other, beyond gender, in fact, which I think is the next wave of exciting learning just swelling.  But first, we need to understand masculine men and feminine women a bit better; to provide the contrast that will help us when we get into the grey areas.

Today’s men watch women perform, sometimes, without knowing how they fit in.  Doors held open or not? Offer to carry that heavy box or not? Pay for dinner or not?

You have watched women get harder, higher, more powerful…but maybe you have a feeling that something is being left behind? Lost?

I hope you do.  Indeed if you do, I may be here for YOU.

As boys, many of you went without a very mothering mother.  Perhaps she was at work, or maybe at school so she could get work…?  And maybe you went without a very fathersome father. Perhaps he was even fearsome.

Divorce rates were on the rise, and family life got a little (to a lot) complicated over these last couple decades.  Consumerism, coupled with the shifting of “community living,” meant… more scheduled games and less pick-up, more play dates and less calling on friends, more video games and less kick the can, less passing notes and more…dick pics.

Then, adulthood. From what I have heard from men, the pressure to look like you have “it” all together is great, and to look like you are on top of “it” is as great as for women.  But many of you are thinking, “what the fuck is it to BE a man?” and “how the hell….?!”

I can’t pretend I know what, or how.  I am, after all, a woman.  But something I do know is…it is IN YOU. And I, from what I have seen and heard from men, can help you bring it out.  I’m not all that clear how I do that.  Some men tell me it’s that I am feminine, and smart.  Some speak of authenticity, safety, space to be. Some have no idea, and no words.

What I know beyond any shadow of doubt is that the women and children of the world need YOU, men, to rise.  To evolve, to awaken, and to be powerful…in ways that work.  We need you as partners, as brothers and lovers, to build, with us, for us, a new world. Some of us get it, some of us don’t, but ALL of us need what YOU have to PROVIDE.

Let’s learn together, grow, heal, expand.

It will be awesome.

arts and entertainment :: peoplecare

when i was 20 i was an award-winning stage actress, aspiring international model and a lithe young dancer.

but when it came down to it, i chose peoplecare, in the form of motherhood.

i made a brief, unremarkable return to the stage when i was a single-mother-of-two-little-boys-by-two-different-dads…as a “chorus” dancer.  when we went into the theatre for our first dress rehearsal i cried to be standing in the wings again.

the theatre has always called me.  loudly.

my body has always wanted to move, express.  i am not one for whom “dance like nobody’s watching” is inspiration…i have the performance gene, i prefer an audience.

my training in Mi Lee, an ancient form of movement meditation has been the perfect x-spot, the eye of the needle through which peoplecare and arts/entertainment merge into one practice.

when i was done that ‘sewing project’, evolutionary movement, a movement modality designed to bring radical self awareness, deep healing and to facilitate authentic self expression, was the result.

it has yet to be shared with the people for whom it is intended.

i am a sucker for performance.  no wonder costumes and The Regalia Project are such a joy for me…it’s all about making life your stage.

and yet here i am, feeling a kind of crossroads has come again, choose arts and entertainment OR peoplecare.

i choose both this time.

i can do both at once.

i think that’s what theatre’s highest form IS: peoplecare.

inspiring us to be all we can be.  the word THEATRE stems from enomological roots meaning “to behold”…but THEOS also means “god”.

if theatre, arts, entertainment can be about beholding god, inspiring us to embody the divine, and performing can be the opportunity to embody the divine for others to behold…it will also be peoplecare.

and if peoplecare principles can be infused into choreography, rehearsing, costuming, performance, audience care, marketing and the other aspects of arts and entertainment, it will help bring heaven to earth.

on with the show 😉

 

everyone cares

it’s pretty cool what happens when i open my heart/voice/mind to someone who has faced the shit i’m facing, who is as sensitive as i, who has time for me, and the love and bravery to say what’s true for her.

here’s to you, ivan marko.

in conversing with ivan, she hit this beautiful chord of words:  everyone cares, really, deep down.

 

i’d lost sight of that.

because “everyone” also misunderstands, jumps to conclusions, is scared to ask hard questions, worries what people think of them, doesn’t want to be taken for a ride, errs on the side of caution, prefers to play it safe, judges before the evidence is all in, forgets to give credit where credit is due, fails to notice the truth, takes the easy way out, pretends to be strong when they are sad, blames multiple someone elses for their unhappiness, is waiting for the world to change, forgets how to feel hard feelings and think hard thoughts, is a sucker for love, wants to protect their image, worries that being generous wont pay, is embarrassed when they fuck up, gets jealous of others sometimes, forgets to tell others they care, uses careless language that leaves room for misunderstanding, assumes the worst of others, defers to others opinions, worries about rejection, thinks crying means you are weak, judges anger, is wary of power of any kind, has growing pains, and forgets who they really are…

…sometimes.

 

and all this hurts.  every time it happens. at least a tiny little bit.

and sometimes a whole paralyzing lot, especially if it’s another hurt piled on a pile of other hurts.

 

i have been hurt, and hurt and hurt some more.

and as a sensitive thing, i have been hurt when no one meant to hurt me, and then hurt again for hurting.

 

but everyone cares.  even when they don’t look like they do.  even when they don’t talk like they do. even when they don’t act like they do. and perhaps…even when they don’t think that they do.  and even when they think they don’t want to.

no one means to hurt, really.  when they do it, they think it is their only choice.

 

 

no one meant to hurt me.

too few people can accept that feeling hurt happens when you get hurt.  it just does.

it happens, and when it does, it lasts until it stops.  you can’t pretend it’s gone when it’s not.  you can’t make it go away before it goes away.  and when it’s gone, there is no need to pretend, not even an inclination.  and only the one who was hurting can tell.

 

all of us who care, let’s spread this truth:  healing happens when hurting has run it’s course.  hurting when you have been hurt is ok.  once it’s happened, it’s done. and…if we stick around (giving space, perhaps, but not too much)…it will pass.  and…

…it will become obvious…

that everyone cares, really, deep down.

 

 

walking on shards

as i write this today, my life is broken in some critical ways, deep down.

i am walking on the shards these last two weeks.

i have given up my two sweet girls entirely into their father’s care, for i have no money to buy gas to drive to fetch them, for food to feed them, for activities…

i haven’t been able to work since…since…well, i don’t work.  i don’t function.

i have been pretending REALLY WELL that i do.  but i don’t. not in this world.

i told my kids i was sick, i couldn’t see them.  my physical body is alright, it is strong and healthy, by design.  i have cared for it well enough.

it is my emotional body that is a wreck.

it has been cut so many times, by all these shards.

 

one cut isn’t much.  oops, a little cut.

but little cuts have added up.  little cuts like

the shame of letting myself accidentally become pregnant at 20, before i was formally educated, established in a career, and in an excellently secure relationship.

the hurt and shame of words of judgement and withdrawing of connection by family, friends, as they struggled with what had happened to me, or simply got on with their own lives, leaving me to mine.

the noticing that the man i was a parent with was scared, troubled, wanting out.

the hurts of trying to please him so he would stay, and the hurt of him being unpleased, and leaving anyways…three years of tiny cuts all over me.

the hurt of pride as i walked into social services to apply for welfare so i could raise my son, rather than handing him over to the care of others while i worked to net roughly as much pay as welfare would provide.

the hurt of having to prove, month by month, that this little angel boy had a right to a home, food and his mother’s company.

the hurt of learning that i couldn’t be the mother i wanted to be with all the stress of poverty.  each cut when, in a moment, i could not be or give what he needed.

the stabbing blow of my father’s cancer diagnosis, all the little cuts over the next two years of losing him bit by precious bit, not being able to see him, for money’s sake: I was too poor to take the ferry to his hospital with a baby in tow.

the hurt each day ever since of not having him here on earth.

the shame of becoming, in my lonely vulnerability, pregnant again;

and of keeping this secret while I waited for my appointment, booked on the first anniversary of his death.

i couldn’t do it, couldn’t cut out this life from inside me.

more cuts as isolation closed in, no money to pay my way into help, respect, security.

still i stood, gave birth at home again, nursed, gave, gave

and helped others in their times of need.

and was cut

for not getting it right; for not following the rules of a broken way; for feeling, speaking up, challenging the status quo with innocent questions no one else was brave enough to ask; cut as i faced cutting judgements and the distances over which the judgements were passed, for my “choices”; my self-education doubted, dishonoured, discredited though it was true; for feeling, for feeling, for being angry, i was cut down for feeling angry that a mother with two little boys was unsupported, abandoned, left at a loss.

these hurts went unhealed for so long. there was no time between them to heal.

for so long i have walked in and with this cycle of brokenness: our society, me.

i was not broken by motherhood.  i was broken by poverty, lack of support, then broken again by my own brokenness.

now i am 44.  a broken marriage (that was all my fault.  FAULT) and now my girls, my beautiful daughters given over into their father’s care because i am broke.

broken.

faulted.

feeling.

but i am healing.

now i see and feel and nurse each tiny cut, each badly scarred wound.  i cry out the shattered pieces of my soul so they will come together again in the ether and i

breathe

my soul

in.

 

for i am a mother, a healer,

i know the difference between fake and real.

the difference between break and feel

 

and this hurt is real.

feel it with me?  honour it?  nurse it and cry it out so the soul of life can be heard and reassembled as it was created to be, breathed in to each of us and then…

maybe, just maybe, we can find the way to fix this broken world…

so babies can have their mothers and fathers and a world that isn’t broken.

 

 

 

Manifesto: As of Today

I am here to assist in the radical co-creation of Earth, and to hereby radically expand consciousness.

 

I am compelled to do so by the tension that has affected me, and inspired to do so by the potential I fathom.

 

I know that change begins with my own transformation from

– hurt, by consciousness, to healing

– fear, by curiosity, to wonder

– poverty, by wisdom, to plenty

– separation, by partnership, to unity.

 

And that by this transformation I become ever more empowered to play my part in transforming the Earth from

– poisoning, by cleansing, to purity

– waste, by nurturing, to bounty

– barrenness, by the generous redistribution of resources, to fertility

– neglect, by the work of many willing hands, to Heaven on Earth.

 

I recognize that the physical and non-physical tools that make this possible are the most valuable resources I can gather:

– accurate information, from research-tested hypotheses through open minds building an accumulation of wisdom, taking into account reason, and intuition.

– effective methodology; habits and systems that work

– quality tools, designed and produced soundly to do the required work efficiently and effectively, taking into account all considerations.

 

I recognize that it takes practice and intuition to use these tools skillfully.

 

I recognize that the restoration of the Natural Order of life on Earth will require:

– an attitude of equanimity:  that ever part of the whole plays a unique part

– an attitude of possibility:  that the impossible can be broken down into possibilities

– an attitude of expectation:  that unfathomable good can come from good intentions

 

I understand that what is truly good and right for me, is, by our interconnected reality, good and right for all; I have only to open my conscious awareness to be able to see all circumstances.  What causes tension for one, also, by interconnection, causes tension for all.  What creates happiness for one, creates happiness for the whole.

 

I trust in my capacity for good, to create mutually beneficial working relationships, deals/contracts of mutual benefit that will produce a surplus of results, which I intend to share generously.

 

I commit to clearing toxicity, un-natural barriers, and dis-ease in physical and non-physical forms, according to appropriate order, as revealed in Nature.

 

I honour the Free Will of each living thing, understanding that thwarting this natural law creates a rippling of disharmonies, which can and must be remedied for greater potential to be realized.

 

It follows that I must, in order to be an effective agent for transformation, take full responsibility for my jurisdiction (awareness, thoughts, words, deeds, stewardship, connections, deals), and honour the jurisdictions of others as their own and act accordingly.

 

Understanding too, that as a part of the whole, the whole is my jurisdiction, by indirect effect.

 

I honour all forms of life, recognizing that all physical creation is founded in non-physical consciousness.

 

I recognize the sensation of resounding LOVE to be the indicator that I have found someone of my Tribe, with whom I am to create one of many work forces for this processes workable unfolding.

 

And I love nonetheless those with whom I do not feel such depth of connectivity, understanding that we are in this together, just not as closely.